Never be the same again
by Ravenus
Summary: Being a cop means dealing with losses. Dee and Ryo have to learn that the hard way. And now it is Ryo who has to be strong for his partner. Rated M for mention of rape. Please read and review.


**BE WARNED:** mention of rape and torture ahead!  
><strong>Rating:<strong> M(ature)!  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Being a cop means dealing with losses. Dee and Ryo have to learn that the hard way. And now it is Ryo who has to be strong for his partner.  
><strong>AN:** just to clarify: I have no experience with weapons and all this (thank God!). This is just my imagination and for the purpose of this fic, so please don't chide me for my not-knowing ;)

Normally I don't like to write longer stories, I guess I'm better with short ones. But please let me know what you think about this one. I hope my English is getting better. I haven't written in a very long time but I warm up again… Please read and review! Thank you.

**Never be the same again**

Detectives Dee Latener and Randy Maclaine were in the subbasement of the precinct for shooting training. Their chief had ordered a monthly training for all cops and detectives so that they would be prepared if they really needed their weapons in the line of duty. Ryo was fine with this decision, as a sniper he had a high skill and training kept it up. It was Dee who was complaining. Even if he was on the force for years now and had learned that sometimes a weapon was the only thing that can save his life and that of his colleagues and friends he didn't like carrying a weapon. Sure, it gave him a feeling of security but he never drew it if it wasn't really necessary. Ryo suspected that it had something to do with his past. Dee had been raised in an orphanage and knew what life was like out on the streets so perhaps he had enough of looking at others down the barrel of a gun. Most people who grew up like Dee had never let go of that habit but his partner had managed to leave his past behind. Mostly.

Nevertheless Ryo loved to watch Dee when he was shooting. He held his weapon in one hand which is highly unusual for this caliber. It can knock back your arm so hard that your shoulder can get broken in the process. But Dee held his weapon in just one hand at arms length, aimed and shot. He hit his target where he intended to hit and Ryo smiled. Dee may not like this but he's good at it. And Ryo admired his sure stance, his strength that helped his arm to stay steady and the way he could see the muscles at his back move when he adjusted to the pushback effect. Even his face was adorable when he shot: the green eyes never blinked and his gaze was so intend. Like it was when he looked at Ryo.

The slightly smaller man flinched when he realized that he was thinking about Dee too closely at the moment and tried to bring his thoughts on another track that wasn't as dangerous. With no success. His eyes lingered on Dee's body while he aimed for his target three more times, each shot as good as the last. After finishing Dee turned towards Ryo and smirked. "See? I get better." Ryo smiles back at him and feels his cheeks go red. Hopefully Dee would not notice. But he did.

And the brown haired man was so cute when he blushed like this. The pink on his cheeks even managed to highlight his beauty. As he got up from his chair Dee leaned against a counter behind him so he wouldn't stand in his way when he fired and admired his view. Ryo's stance was expertly trained and the way he held his weapon spoke of years of experience. Of course he does everything by the book and grabs his weapon with both hands. And he knew exactly when to exhale to steady his whole body. Then he fired two shots, paused, then another two. They all went straight to the point. Dee smiled and watched Ryo's back as he moved gracefully. His shoulders moved in a rhythm with the gun and Dee couldn't help but thinking of them moving with his own rhythm. He was helpless and he knew because this man just made him feel like a horny teenager and he seemed so damn immune to everything Dee tried.

Well, Ryo returned his kisses. Sometimes. At least he had never pushed him away too fast and Dee tried to look at it from an angle that gave him hope. Giving up was not on his mind but he would not chase Ryo forever. At the moment it didn't matter as he watched him unashamed. When the Japanese turned around his lips were slightly parted from concentration. Dee knew that he had bit his lip while firing, Ryo did this every time. He was slightly disappointed that he could no longer watch Ryo's back because he looked really great from behind. Even if he seemed slender and fragile sometimes, he was built strong. He had even defeated Dee in their self defense lessons. And Dee had seen him without his shirt on. Sighing Dee closed his eyes. That was definitely nothing to be thought over at work. Damn, now this sight would haunt him until this day was over.

"Maybe you got better, Dee, but still not as good as me.", the other detective said and woke Dee from his daydreams. Pouting Dee came towards him.  
>"Good enough. I'm not a sniper." He said defensively which made Ryo smile. He always had the impression that Dee felt intrigued by his skill.<br>"I never said you were a bad shooter. I just say I'm better." 'Hell, you could think he is flirting with me.' Dee thought and couldn't resist to lean closer to Ryo and let his breath tingle over the smaller man's lips.  
>"There are other things I'm good at…" The raven haired man smirked and brushed his lips over Ryo's who stood perfectly still, letting Dee's lips linger on his. He enjoyed! Dee knew but Ryo would never admit.<p>

"Get your huge hands off your partner, Latener." A rough voice cut into their sweet moment together and Ryo actually jumped back. Rose came towards them, his eyes first looking at Dee angrily who held his gaze locked for a few seconds to glare back at him but then his attention turned towards Ryo and he undressed the man with his eyes. Dee hated when he did this but he kept his mouth shut. "I don't even know why you let him do this, Randy." Rose went on. "You could file in sexual harassment and he would be off your back."

"And while I'm at it I can also file in a case of sexual harassment against you, commissioner." Ryo retorted calmly and Dee's eyes got huge. He had never heard Ryo say anything like this before, especially not to commissioner Rose. He couldn't suppress a giggle and earned another glare from Berkeley.

"Never mind." Rose straightened his jacket. "I have a new case for you. You will assist Diana she will fill you in on the details." Was all he said before he left in long strides. Dee slumped in a chair and groaned.

"I wanna go home, for God's sake!" He whined but Ryo stood before him and leaned down so that his face was on one level with Dee's. The younger detective looked up with a question in his eyes, Ryo had never come so close to him before. Rose had disturbed them when he came walking into the room and Ryo wanted to end what Dee had begun. He brought his lips down on Dee's and opened them just slightly to lick his way into his mouth. It nearly drove Dee insane but he kept still and closed his eyes enjoying Ryo's boldness.

"What was that for?" He asked, his voice a bit hoarse.

Ryo smiled. Such a sweet smile that Dee wanted to melt right here. "I will not file in a report for sexual harassment." Was all his gorgeous partner said before walking towards the elevators. Dee remained seated for a few seconds, he had to regain his senses and touched his lips where Ryo's had been only seconds before. Puzzled he got up from where he sat and followed Ryo.

_"NO!", Dee yells but it is to late because he can hear the sound echoing back from the walls of the small alley they are in. He spins around wildly and sees Ryo grab his shoulder, blood already pouring from the wound. Deep brown eyes search for Dee's and look at him. They are full of terror and fear and something else Dee is unable to identify. The Japanese sinks to his knees unable to keep standing. He passes out, Dee knows because his eyes go wide, then they close and the beautiful man hits the floor hard._

_"Shit, shit, shit." Dee mumbles while he kneels down beside his partner, his gun still drawn and pointed at the man who had shot. Slightly relieved Dee feels a pulse, weak but it is there. Hopefully Ryo will make it. The raven haired man can see the blood that pours from the wound. He knows what he is supposed to do and so he tries to ignore his panic and jumps up to follow the shooter. Diana was close behind and she would care for Ryo. Dee wishes that he will live. A life without Ryo was not worth living. He loved him. And how should he tell Bikky what had just happened? Oh Gods, he needs to get a grip and so he pushes his dark thoughts into a faraway corner of his mind and runs around a corner. His distraction did not do him well and all he notices before he falls to the floor is the pain that numbs his senses and spreads from the back of his head through his whole body_

With a groan Dee woke from his dream and felt around on the bed. At least that was what he wanted to do because when he tried to move his hands he realized they were bound to the headboard. Wow. Had he and Ryo finally… and was Ryo into things like that? Dee shook his head and forced his eyes open. This was neither Ryo's bedroom nor his own and slowly it dawned on him. He wanted to bolt into an upright position but he was held down by the chains on his wrists. When he looked up he saw his own handcuffs and let his head fall back onto the pillow in frustration.

It hadn't been a dream. Ryo was probably in a hospital right now or worse… Dee closed his eyes again. This wasn't good. He was captured when he wanted to be by Ryo's side more than ever before. He tried to struggle, tried to wiggle his hands through the handcuffs but they held him in place firmly and so all he could do was wait. Dee had never been a patient one and so this was pure torture. After what seemed like hours of just lying here Dee yelled at the top of his voice that someone should open the door and really was successful. A man stepped into the room, bearded, with bad teeth. He didn't say a word just stood there and looked down at Dee.

"Who are you?" Dee demanded. As if the man would tell him that. "Why am I here?" A better question perhaps. The mouth of his captor became a thin line, then his foul teeth were exposed in a sickening grin. Dee swallowed hard. He could sense the danger he was in and decided it were enough questions for now.

"You're here to please me." The voice was just as spooky as the face. Dee shivered, tried to hide it but failed. The man seemed a bit dumb, slow but nevertheless dangerous. Despite the position Dee was in he tried to remain calm and look relaxed even though he knew that it didn't work as well as he hoped. He was damn afraid not only because he was held prisoner. He wanted to know about Ryo and if he was still alive. The thought brought tears to his eyes that run down his face. "You will enjoy." The big man said then opened his belt.

Dee's eyes went wide with panic. No! This couldn't be real. Wasn't it enough torture that he didn't know if Ryo was alive or already dead? He struggled and tried to get free but to no avail. The only thing he achieved was pain in his wrists. "Lie still." The bearded man said. ‚Never' Dee thought and tried to kick the man with his feet that were still free. "Guess I have to bind your feet, too." He said and went out of the room. Dee was sure that he had only won a few minutes and with a last bit of hope he lay still and thought over his possibilities. They were rare because he was nearly immobile on the bed except for his feet. And he couldn't open his handcuffs even is he had the key with his feet.

"Think, Dee, think!" He told himself in a whisper.

"What're you sayin'?" The man was back already and he had a thick rope that he now wound around the detectives feet. Dee didn't give in, he kicked and struggled but a few minutes later he was bound heavily. "Why're you afraid. Thought you like it…" Said the man while he opened his belt and jeans. Dee knew that he couldn't escape, there was no way to break free from the chains around his hands or the rope at his feet. All he could do was try to make this as hard for the man as possible he wouldn't give up. The only living on person on this planet he wanted to sleep with was Ryo.

All his struggling and screaming did not help, the man ripped his jeans down his legs and his shirt up so that he was nearly fully exposed. And so damn afraid. He wanted this nightmare to end before anything happened but he didn't wake up, this was for real. Calloused hands pressed him down firmly, they were everywhere on his body and Dee found himself crying. He had never felt more humiliated in his life. He screamed at the man to leave him alone but all he did was grabbing his lower body parts in his rough hands and pulled so hard that Dee saw stars. He bit his teeth to not cry any harder and fuel this man's sick lust. Foul breath reached his nostrils and he held his breath but the man forced a kiss that made Dee want to vomit. A rough hand grabbed his hair and pulled his head this way and that which was painful because Dee tried to resist.

It felt like ages and Dee hoped that this was all he would do to him but the other man flipped him over onto his stomach so that his arms and legs hurt. The worst was yet about to come. Dee squeezed his eyes shut, screamed, cried and pleaded furiously but the other man had his way and with a sharp pain the detective felt his sensitive flesh inside of him break. He bled and it hurt so much. In the line of duty Dee once had been shot but this pain was even worse because it was caused in an act that should be nice and done by someone he detested. Someone he didn't even know. For a few minutes it seemed like he would just fall into blackness but he didn't pass out and so he had to live through every damn second of agonizing pain.

The man left Dee lying on his stomach and even if his arms and legs were twisted he was glad. If he lay on his back now he would hurt to no end. With suffocating sobs he buried his face in the pillow and felt like dying of shame and fear. He was so troubled and the thought of Ryo being hurt or worse crept through his head like a winding snake slowly trying to kill him. And his body hurt so much, he had bruises all over his skin and the man had ripped his skin down there. He refused to think about diseases, now, but this also rapped at the backdoor of his mind. He hoped that he would be found soon by Ryo. Or Diana. But just lying here and waiting for the next bad thing to come was so horrible.

Dee knew such cases. People were abducted, raped and sooner or later killed and he wasn't ready to face death. Fighting was only an option for a short time but at some point mind and body gave up. Even if he was freed someday he might be a wreck by then because it was already too late. He sobbed harder, he wanted to cry himself to sleep. And it worked but it took so long….

… he woke up again to a piercing pain on his back and with a sharp cry he tried to turn his head to see what happened. The man sat on his back and had something in his hand. It was sharp and his back hurt. He could feel the blood flow from the wounds to the bed beneath him. The man drew patterns on his back with the knife and Dee very well knew what they would look like. They had all seen it in the photos of the victims. 'No, no, no….' Dee thought over and over. He had worked on this case with Ryo for a few weeks before the FBI had taken over. He hadn't known that Diana's new case was related to the older one.

This man was called the Artist because he imprinted thin but deep lines on the backs of his victims. Dee got sick. The bodies they had found had been thoroughly deformed with body parts detached. His vision blurred with tears when panic rose in his chest. The murderer killed, raped and disposed of men and women alike. The victims are gone for a few days and their body (or part of) shows up in a dumpster in one alley or the other.

And Dee was next.

What he saw was fogged but he guessed it was only because his vision was kind of clouded and blurred. Dots and stars were dancing before his eyes when he opened them and looked up at a white ceiling. He lived! He knew because the beeping sounds of the hospital were familiar. The last time he had closed his eyes he had never thought he would make it through. Everything had hurt so much but now he only felt numb. He looked around for a while and found out that there was someone in this room with him. She sat in a chair in the corner, her head resting on her arms and her body kind of twisted. She was sleeping and the man didn't dare to wake Diana.

He began to wonder about his partner and why it was the FBI agent who sat in the chair. Normally his partner would be with him in situations like this he was always by his side. "Dina." He croaked, his voice felt like he had never spoken before. To speak hurt but she opened her eyes, alarmed by the sound he made. With two deft paces she was by his bedside, grabbing the hand without needles in hers and pressed it close to her chest. Before she spoke she bent down and kissed his forehead gently.

"I'm so glad you woke up finally." She said and smiled. Had he been out that long?

"Where's Dee?" Was his next question and he could see the distress in Diana's eyes as he asked this. She shook her head and brought his hand to her face. It scared Ryo that she didn't say a word. "Dina? P –please." It was hard to speak but he had to know where his handsome raven haired partner was.

"You should get some rest." Was her answer. Ryo wanted to freak out, jump out of his skin but his body was hurt and he couldn't have moved even to just turn to his side. Why didn't she tell him about Dee? Getting rest was out of question, his body might be weak but his mind was at full alert. With so much effort that he felt sweat form on his forehead Ryo pressed Diana's hand that still held his own close to her face and pulled her towards him with all the strength he could muster.

"Tell me where my partner is, Diana." Ryo urged her firmly. She nodded and braced, this wouldn't be easy. The man in the hospital bed should know because she knew that he loved Dee. And Dee loved him they just had not confessed it yet and perhaps they never would. She had learned one thing very quickly while working for law enforcement: This day could be your last so never wait too long. And the two man now waited for a long time.

"My case was related to the Artist Case." Diana began and saw Ryo's face go pale. But he was a cop like her and she would give him all the details he needed to know at the moment. "The men we chased this day in the alley were just drug dealers and I learned more by coincidence that they were the ones who kidnapped people and sold them to the Artist. For them it was a nice and easy way to earn money but for Dee it was fatal. When you were shot I guess he lost some of his good senses and was not careful enough when he rounded a corner. There they got him. I've seen them dragging his body into a van but I couldn't do anything, I was too late. They took him away."

Ryo breathed hard. The Artist Case was one of the toughest he had ever come across because this murderer was merciless. His victims had been tortured badly they had to endure all kind of experiments and the captor even drew patterns on their backs with knives and sometimes he branded them. When the bodies were found body parts were dissected and forensics had confirmed that this had happened while the men and women had still been alive. He felt tears run down his cheeks and got angry because he showed this weakness in front of Diana but she seemed not to mind. She reached out her hand and brushed the tears away.

"I shot one of the dealers in his knee and we have him arrested. He has many leads and he is willing to sell them for a few years less in prison." Diana went on with a bit of hope in her voice. "I need to get back to the precinct in a few minutes and I so hope that we will get the information we need to get Dee back to you."

"I never told him that I… I love him, Dina. Please, please bring him back to me." Ryo pleaded and felt like tearing up again. His heart ached when he thought about his partner. Dee was tough but he had gotten himself into huge trouble. Torture and rape were more than a human mind can take and this captor was one of the worst Ryo had ever heard of. If Dee came back he would be in a bad condition. Ryo sobbed. Perhaps he wouldn't love him anymore and things would never be the same again. "I'm so stupid, Diana." At the moment he doubted that he deserved Dee because all he ever did was pushing him away. He was too afraid of his own feelings and of the things others might think that he totally forgot how much it hurt Dee to not know what he felt. And Dee had always been honest he had never even dated anyone since he has begun chasing Ryo. He would have given Ryo everything he had to offer and Ryo had never given back anything. "Gods, he might even think that he will die unloved." Ryo sobbed.

The young FBI agent grabbed both of the man's hand, squeezed them hard and leaned in close. "I will bring him back to you, Ryo. No matter what. You go ahead and sleep. Rest. When he comes back you will need all the strength you can get."

When his captor came to him a third time Dee still screamed and tried to get free but the man just had his way and took his pride and self assurance and all that was left was pain and shame. The fourth time hurt more than before and the fifth and sixth made him want to die. Maybe he deserved this. He had been careless and he hadn't been able to help his partner. His partner not more and Dee had made him uneasy, maybe even unhappy with chasing him. And now he was dead. Dee didn't know but that was what he thought because he had seen the look in Ryo's eyes. And it had been him, Dee, who had caused Ryo so much trouble and hurt. He wasn't gay, he wasn't even bi. So Dee deserved this cruel punishment. The raven haired man silently cried into his pillow while the man hurt his body.

The next time the Artist had a gun with him and he held it to the back of Dee's head all the time he touched and hurt him. The detective was shocked because this was the first time that he had another weapon than his knives. This would be the last time Dee's body would have to endure the tormenting pain and all he could think about was Ryo. Now that he was about to be killed he wished that he would see Ryo one last time and beg forgiveness. He never wanted to hurt the man but he had gone too far. God would never forgive Dee his sins and he was so damn afraid.

If he was dead and Ryo as well Bikky would be alone again. The poor boy had lost so much and now even more. Dee had seen this before a thousand times: children and youths who lose their parents, then their friends and their beliefs. And all that remained were empty vessels, their souls long gone. Many of the others in the orphanage had lived through this and they were now grownups who dealt drugs or worse never caring for others and never being cared for. Bikky shouldn't end like this. He may be loud mouthed and tried to make a tough expression but Dee could see it in his eyes and he knew from experience that youths like him only yearned to be loved. And Dee loved him. The boy was like a son to him and they shared unspoken secrets they would forever hide from Ryo to not make him worry.

Dee sobbed harder and after the man came in his body the cold metal at the back of his head was pressed harder into his hair. Shivering and shaking Dee waited for the end but before it ended he had to endure the other man's hot breath that was pumped into his ear. "Why are you so afraid to die?" The cruel voice asked with a strange kind of satisfaction. When Dee didn't say a word and just pressed his eyes closed his head was forced upwards. "Tell me, pretty one!" Dee whimpered. Couldn't it just end now. 'Please God, have mercy!' He prayed. "Tell me!" The Artist was now screaming.

"I… I'm afraid what my lover will feel when I'm dead and he is left behind." Dee sobbed. "I do not even know if he's dead." Dee sobbed, the words falling from his lips in ragged gasps. The barrel of the gun was pressed against his head with more force. "And… We…he has a foster son. If we are both dead this child will be alone." Dee couldn't see clearly through his tears but there was nothing he wanted to see more than Ryo and Bikky. His family. "We were a family. Or something close to a family and I do not even know what will become of them. I need to care for them, make sure that they have enough for a living but now everything's lost." Dee confessed. His thoughts were confused and so were his words but he didn't care. It was what was in his head and if he couldn't confess to a priest before he died he could confess to his captor. What did it matter, he would not be forgiven anyway.

He wondered if he would feel the bullet enter his brain or if it would be over before he was even able to realize what happened. The man on his back laughed for a while. "Anything else I should know?" He asked after a while. Dee bit back a surge of panic. He wanted this to end but he was so afraid.

"I just pray that my family is safe…." Dee whispered and closed his eyes. He felt a strange blow at the back of his head, something torn apart and was engulfed by blackness

It was an unusual warm morning for April when the school kids arrived at school. Some lingered in front of the building, chatting and smoking. The younger ones were not allowed to smoke and they used to hide behind the dumpster next to the school building where they were hidden from the eyes of their teachers. Today they did as well and were a bit stunned when they found a huge bag next to the dumpster. Normally the janitor kept everything clean and when they even threw away a chewing gum paper he was on their backs and urged them to throw it away properly. Laura had a bad feeling when they came closer and gulping she nudged the bag with her foot. It was heavy and wouldn't move. Ben was even more curious and knelt down to open the bag.

"A corpse…" Laura breathed and covered her mouth with her hands. A foul smell reached her nose and she was unable to hold back, turned around and threw up. Ben was equally shocked but he tried to stay calm and grabbed his cell phone with a grim expression to call 911.

"Dee…" Ryo whispered. He was only allowed to enter the hospital room of his partner because he was in Diana's team and she had made it clear to the nurses and doctors that Ryo was the only person who could come and go as he pleased even if Dee was in no way related to him. The Japanese was so thankful that she helped him. This was on the verge of being illegal but at the moment he couldn't care less.

The raven haired man had been found in a body bag by some school kids. They had thought he was dead and called the police but he was alive. Barely though and Ryo feared that Dee wouldn't make it. He was weak, his body heavily bruised and abused and his partner could only guess what his mind and heart had gone through. He ached for Dee. His shot shoulder was nothing compared to the terror that Dee must have faced in the past week. Ryo prayed that he would be strong enough to recover.

While Dee was in a coma Ryo sat by his side and held his hands in his, sometimes he brought them up to his lips and kissed the fingers carefully. He wanted the man to know that he was there and with him and that he cared deeply. On the other hand Ryo was afraid in what condition Dee would be when – if – he woke up. Some of their colleagues used to say that people who were raped and abused like this were better off if the captor killed them because they never fully came back to life, afraid of being part of society and always scared. Ryo had never been sure if this was right but he knew the statistics: so many of the victims who had survived had killed themselves. Most never made it through the first year after their abduction.

Dee had always been the strong one. He was tough and had seen a lot of things while working for the police. But Ryo was sure he couldn't count on this and things would change. They wouldn't just go home and go back to normal. Maybe Dee would not want Ryo to be with him, too afraid of another person's touch and too afraid to trust. Ryo sighed and heard Diana enter the room. She came towards the bed and let her hands rest on Ryo's shoulder. "The murderer is under arrest. Ted and JJ have started the interrogation and I have some news. But let's not discuss this here, Ryo, come with me. You need to eat and sleep a bit." He didn't move, just sat there holding Dee's hands, his eyes on his friend's face. "It will not help anyone when you do not care for yourself a little bit now. He needs to sleep, his body is exhausted. You can come back tomorrow."

Diana had a point and so Ryo got up from his chair, leaned down and kissed Dee on his forehead. "Love you." He whispered, his voice barely audible. The woman smiled sadly. If Dee woke up he would never be the same again and perhaps he would forever be unable to love Ryo now that he loved him back. She shook her head and led Ryo out of the room to his own down the corridor.

Once they were alone in Ryo's room he lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. "I so hope he will make it."

"He will, Ryo, but you need to be patient even when he wakes up and recovers. His mind is what you have to worry about. His body will heal. The doctors will see to that but you are the one who can heal his soul. You have to be brave when you want to help him through this. It will not be easy and you know that." Ryo nodded and closed his eyes. Diana positioned herself on the edge of his bed and let her fingers caress his hair. It was unfair but Ryo wished it were Dee's hands, touching him in the most gentle way. Dee had kissed and touched him like no one else had ever done and he had the ability to make Ryo's knees go weak like they were made of jelly. He wanted to feel this again and he would do everything to bring Dee back.

"What news do you have for me?" Ryo asked to distract himself.

"JJ told me that The Artist has confessed everything. He even seems relieved that we have caught and arrested him. He calls himself a monster and knows that he is dangerous." Diana shook her head. "He is completely mad. But this is what saved Dee's life. This and you." Ryo sat up again to look into her eyes. "Me?" – "Yeah, you and Bikky. The captor told them that he always asked their victims if they were afraid to die. So cruel… And they all pleaded, begged and cried for their lives. Dee only regretted that he would never see you and your foster son again. He has not begged to be spared and he didn't cry for his own sake. He was the first and so the Artist decided to not kill him. For not being selfish."

Oh Gods. Ryo felt like fainting. So Dee had thought about their small family when he was sure he would die. Ryo shivered violently and Diana hugged him close to her, her fingers brushing through his hair. After a few minutes Ryo looked up. "I will bring him back!"

It would be a hard piece of work but Ryo wouldn't give up on the man he loved. And so he stayed every minute he didn't sleep at Dee's bedside waiting for his friend to wake up. Bikky visited a few times and he was shocked to see Dee in such a bad condition even if he wouldn't show it. "Perv's tough, he will wake up and get on your nerves like before. If not I will kick his ass badly!" was all he said and Ryo bit back a smile. His son cared. This would help a lot when bringing Dee back.

Two more days went by with Dee just lying there sleeping as if he had never slept before. When he woke up Ryo was with him and when he felt the man regain consciousness his heart run at double speed. He was happy, afraid, relieved and scared while sitting with his hands in his lap. He waited until Dee opened his eyes with a gasp. With haunted eyes he looked around and let his gaze rest on Ryo's face. "You're alive." Was the first thing he said, followed by a weak smile. Then his face grew tense and he averted his eyes obviously distressed.

"Yes, Dee. And I'm here for you." Ryo managed to say without too much emotion in his voice. He waited for another reaction from Dee but the raven haired man just stared ahead, his face like a mask. "I – I'll get the nurse, Dee." The Japanese said and got up to leave the room. When he closed the door behind him he leaned against it for a few seconds. So Dee refused to talk to him. But this would change, right?

When Dee finally was well enough to go home Ryo regretted that they didn't share an apartment. The doctor told him that it would be a good idea to leave Dee alone for a few days but Ryo would just go mad. His partner was still too quiet and his still bruised face never showed another expression than fear. Or anything at all and so Ryo didn't feel too well when he thought about leaving Dee to himself. But he would do anything to make him feel better and if this meant that Dee needed a few weeks private time he would just give him that.

He brought him to his car and drove over to Dee's apartment building. Just a few blocks away from his own but it seemed worlds apart at the moment. With a blank expression Dee entered his living room and just stood there. He looked around and found that everything was like on the day he had left it. As Ryo didn't have a key he hadn't been able to clean the apartment for Dee before he came back. "I don't… - Ryo, can I please stay with you?" The detective asked and inside Ryo was squealing with joy.

"Of course, Dee. I just pack a few things you will need." The brown haired said and went into Dee's bedroom to get some clothes and Dee's pillow. When he went by the kitchen he nearly gagged. There were dishes from nearly four weeks ago and the reeked like hell. He would have to come over the other day and clean thoroughly. Maybe throw away most of the cups and plates… But at the moment he had other things to care for and with his arms full of Dee's stuff he handed the man his pillow which he carried obediently to Ryo's car. The older man just shook his head as he watched him. He was like a small hurt child. He so wanted to help him but all he could do was care for him and wait. Dee wouldn't even let him touch him. In the hospital Ryo had tried to hold his hand but Dee had gently pulled it back from him and hugged it to his chest.

Ryo opened the door to his apartment and let Dee enter before he followed him. He could hear Bikky in the living room playing some game on his Playstation. Before he could say something he heard Bikky's voice over the music and noise of the game. "How does the perv feel? He back at home?" Ryo flinched and watched Dee closely who spun around to look at Ryo with wide eyes.

"He's here with me, Bikky." Ryo said to the boy. Without further hesitation he ushered Dee into the living room where he greeted Bikky shyly. The youth didn't even look up.

"Yeah, whatever. Just make sure to leave your hands off my coke, right?" Was all Dee got as an answer. Ryo wasn't sure if this was good or bad. Bikky cared for Dee that was sure and Ryo had heard the hesitation in the young boy's voice but the kid just tried to act normal towards Dee. And Dee seemed to be okay with this. At least he didn't run or flinch or anything. He just stood there, his pillow still clutched in his arms looking around like this wasn't his second home. The Japanese was still unsure what to do and so he brought Dee's stuff into his own bedroom and threw it on the bed. He could sort through the things later.

Back into the living room he saw Dee seating himself on the couch. Bikky had changed the game to a cart race and handed Dee the second controller. "And don't cheat again, kay? I hate it when you do that!" Bikky said and started the game. Ryo took his time and just stood in the doorway to watch his small family. Everything seemed so normal like nothing happened.

Bikky and Dee were precious to Ryo because they were all he had. They were like a family for nearly three years now. His foster son had grown up a bit and even though he tried to maintain his attitude of being a street rat Ryo could clearly see that Bikky had changed. He went to school and actually got better grades than before and he showed a lot more possibility when it came to his education. From time to time Ryo got a call from a teacher but in his eyes the boy had done nothing out of the ordinary. He remembered that his own parents had gotten one or another call from his own principal. School kids were still kids after all and that was how they were supposed to behave. Ryo was proud of Bikky and as he watched him with Dee he knew that his son was the best kid a man could wish for.

And Dee was the same. The pair on the sofa was so much alike that it sometimes made Ryo think that he was the outsider in this party. But Dee was even more. He was the man Ryo honestly considered to be his mate. Dee had proved that he meant every word he said and that he wanted a true and honest relationship with Ryo. It had always been the Japanese who had denied his feelings. He felt so ashamed of that now. What does it matter what others think of you as long as the person you love is happy and contend. He had been so blind and hoped now, that it wasn't too late. Why had it taken him three years and such a dreadful situation to realize what he wanted? Ryo shook his head. Normally Dee would come to him, drag his arm around his shoulders or hips and pull him close to him to reassure him. But Dee sat there, his soul and his body torn.

Sighing Ryo made his way to the kitchen to prepare a meal for the three of them. Cutting vegetables and cooking helped him to get a grip and feel a bit more normal. At some point he even awaited Dee to sneak up behind him and kiss the nape of his neck like he used to so often when Ryo was in the kitchen. Hell, they had been together for over a year now without Ryo even noticing. Dee had slept over often and so had Ryo. They had toothbrushes in each other's apartments and some clothes for the next day. They had kissed so often and Ryo had long ago lowered his guard. But it had never been official and they had never been to bed together. Well, they had actually but Dee had never made an attempt to sleep with Ryo when he had said 'no'.

Only now did he realize that they had been closer than he wanted to confess to himself for God knew what reason. He didn't understand what he had been thinking back then. And now that Ryo wanted to be close to Dee he couldn't. His mother had been right when she had said: 'You will see, my dear Ryo, to notice that some things are precious you have to lose them.' This had applied first to his parents and now to his relationship with Dee.

"Ouch!" Ryo exclaimed. He hadn't paid attention to what he was doing and had cut himself with his knife and now blood was dropping from his finger. The cut was neat and not so deep but now that he moved the finger a bit it hurt. So he went over into the bathroom to get a patch for his finger. When he went by the door of the living room he noticed that Dee looked up and watched him with empty eyes like there was something to say but he couldn't bring up the strength to tell Ryo. Sighing the Japanese turned his head and headed for the bathroom where he kept the band aids. The mirror over the sink greeted him with the face of a stranger. Ryo had deep dark rings under his eyes from a lack of sleep and he looked like hell.

The man closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. He needed to be strong and calm and patient if he wanted to help Dee and that was all he wanted at the moment. Rose had actually agreed to give him two weeks off so that he could be there for Dee 24 hours a day. The commissioner hadn't even tried to bargain the days off for a kiss or a dinner what had surprised Ryo a bit. Perhaps Rose had noted more than Ryo had and seen that his detectives had something like a relationship going. "Shitshitshit!" Ryo was so angry at himself that he had never gone farther with Dee. Now the raven haired man needed to know that he was loved in return more than ever but maybe it was already too late. Or not. Dee had asked to come over, this was a good sign, wasn't it? He didn't know and so he just took a handful of water, splashed it in his face and opened his eyes again.

The face that was looking back at him was still looking bad but the cold water helped to get his senses back together. Ryo noticed that his face was not the only one in the mirror and with a start he turned around. He hadn't heard Dee coming into the small room with him and now the raven haired man just stood there, his eyes cast towards the floor, his hands useless at his sides and his hair covering his intense green eyes.

Ryo wanted to look into the green depths so that he would know what Dee was thinking now but he wouldn't lift his head. It was like looking at a puzzle, a thousand pieces strewn across the floor and they all held the picture of Dee but it wasn't yet Dee because Ryo needed to put the pieces back together, bit by bit. Dee was shattered, partly destroyed perhaps and it would need so damn much time to fulfill this task. The brown haired man didn't say a word and waited for the other to speak, looking at him silently while wiping his hands and face with a towel.

"I – I…" He began. Dee was so unsure that it hurt to see him like this and it brought tears to Ryo's eyes. But he didn't let his weakness show on his face because his partner needed him to be strong and so he would be.

"What, Dee? Just tell me." Ryo gently said, hoping that he didn't sound like he wanted to urge Dee to do something he didn't want.

"May I take a bath, please?" Dee asked and Ryo nearly broke into a fit of laughter but he held it back, just smiled and nodded. He turned to the bathtub and began to pour hot water into the tub. The other man just stood there, his head still bowed so that Ryo could only see the top of his head when he longed to see his green eyes. The Japanese resisted the urge to take Dee into a hug and so he just sat down on the rim of the bath tub and tried to get a look at Dee's eyes but the man averted them so that Ryo gave up.

"I will prepare lunch. Your clothes are in the bedroom and fresh towels are in the drawer. You know where to find them?" Dee nodded and padded out of the warm bathroom over to Ryo's bedroom. He rummaged around for a few minutes and Ryo went back to the kitchen. 'This isn't going to be easy…' he thought to himself and went on with cutting before he heated some water on the stove and began to put the vegetables into boiling water. He used another pot for Spaghetti and yet another for the sauce and he got so absorbed in cooking that he didn't notice Bikky enter the kitchen. The boy took a seat at the table and watched Ryo's back while he stood there, stirring and working. When the man turned around he smiled at Bikky.

"You should go to Dee, Ryo…" The youngster said and Ryo looked at him quizzically. "Just go to him." Bikky sounded sad and a bit disturbed and when Ryo stood in front of the bathroom door he knew why. Dee was crying, his sobs clearly audible through the closed door of the bathroom. It sounded like he was suffocating and Ryo's heart broke in his chest. Ryo knocked slightly and hoped that the door wasn't closed.

"Dee…?" He asked and heard the sobs get harder. 'No… please, no.' "May I come in, Dee?" It was hard to make out a word between the sobs but Ryo thought he heard Dee say "yes" and so he turned the knob and found the door open. He hastily closed it behind him and looked over to the tub where Dee sat in the warm water, the bubbly foam up to his chin and his hands around his knees. He was crying hard and the tears run down his face and into the water and Ryo instantly wanted to cry along with him. "Dee…", Ryo whispered and slowly came towards the man in the tub. He could see the back of his friend and suppressed a gasp. Red cuts were all over the sensitive skin that had once been flawless. It must've hurt to get them and even if they had healed nearly completely by now they would scars marks that would remind Dee what happened to him for the rest of his life. And they would remind Ryo that he will be there for Dee for the rest of his life.

This decision had been made long ago, Ryo didn't even know when but Dee didn't know it yet. The honey haired man sat down on the rim of the tub and waited for the sobs to end but it took a while for Dee to get a grip. "S'okay, Dee, I'm here for you." Ryo whispered quietly. He wanted to touch Dee to underline what he had just said but he didn't dare and so he just sat there with his hands in his lap, staring at the walls.

"It won't get away…" Dee said after what seemed like an eternity, his voice barely above a whisper. Ryo didn't know what he was talking about and tried to get the meaning of the words.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Dee angrily threw the sponge into the water and water splashed over his and Ryo's face alike.

"It won't go away, I can still feel where this man has touched me!" Dee screamed at nothing in particular and then his head fell back onto his knees and the sobbing began again. Ryo looked closer at Dee and could see that he had scrubbed his arms and legs so hard that they had gone red in the process. The Japanese grabbed the sponge and put it into the tub so that it was full of water, then he gently, softly, carefully lowered it on Dee's shoulder. The water flowed over the man's back and Dee shivered slightly but didn't make Ryo stop so he did this again and again until the sobs stopped a second time. "Can you see it?" Dee asked silently and for the first time since he woke up in the hospital he made eye contact with his partner.

"I can only see you, Dee, your skin that is always slightly tanned and so soft. There is nothing else but you." Ryo said with what he hoped was a firm voice. Dee gave a sigh and again rested his head on his knees, this time he seemed okay and just closed his eyes.

"The scars on my back… can you make them go away?" Ryo's heart stung. Of course he couldn't do that and they would forever be there but he decided not to say what went through his mind and just cleansed Dee's back with the sponge.

"They will get better, honey." Ryo said without thinking and only noticed what he had just said when Dee's head shot up so that he could look at Ryo. 'Oh oh, you've gone too far…' He had called Dee this before but only when they had been close to each other, cuddling on the sofa and it had been rare that Ryo had given such words of affection. Puzzled green eyes searched his black ones for an answer that wasn't there and for these few seconds Dee seemed to be his former self: the man who wanted Ryo to love him. And Ryo did. He would show Dee step by step as Dee had shown him before. And if it would take another three years that was okay for him. The old Dee vanished from his eyes and was replaced by a shadow that had once been Dee.

"Ryo…" Dee just breathed and enjoyed the feeling of water running over his ruined skin. He closed his eyes and let himself get carried away to a time when things had been much easier. If Ryo had done this back then Dee would have pulled him into the hot water with him and kiss him senseless. This thought brought a smile to his face and Ryo was curious what the man might be thinking about. But clearly the man relaxed and that was all he wanted and so he went on, enjoying this himself. It was a way of touching Dee even with the sponge between them and he took this as another good sign. 'I can heal your soul. Just give me the chance and time.' Ryo thought.

After a while Ryo had the feeling that Dee was about to fall asleep and so he stopped his movements on his back and got a towel. Dee was puzzled when the gentle treatment stopped but the water got cold and he wanted to get out. Ryo held up the towel in front of him, his head turned to the side so that he wouldn't watch Dee when he climbed out of the water. The raven haired man felt a sting in his heart. Did he look that bad now? Had the dirt really been washed away? He looked down his body. His skin seemed to be clean and Ryo's pampering had made him feel better. For a moment he had even forgotten the doubts that knocked at the backdoor of his mind and he had nearly forgotten why he was so sad. His captor, this man had taken everything from him: His pride, his strength and his ability to feel. He felt numb inside but something was left that he now clung to. Part of the feelings for Ryo were still there but he was so damn afraid. And now Ryo didn't even look at him. He wanted to ask the Japanese what was wrong but he didn't have the guts to get the words out.

When Dee stood in front of the tub he didn't make a move to grab the towel and let Ryo cover him with the warm cloth. He covered his body with the towel and it felt like an embrace. Dee knew that he would shy away if Ryo tried to embrace him for real but maybe someday soon he would be able to feel again. "I'm so afraid." His voice was hushed and he cast his eyes to the floor like before. But his friend sounded so sure when he answered.

"Everything will be alright, Dee. Just take your time. I will always be here for you, you know that, right?" Dee wanted to melt. He was sure that Ryo felt more than friendship for him but he seldom showed it. And now that he said such cute and nice things Dee was too afraid to make him lure out of his corner. He felt like a prisoner in himself. His former self was still there and he wanted it to come back but it was hiding in a faraway place of his soul where he couldn't reach it. Emptiness was on the surface and pain on the next level. His love for Ryo was still somewhere in him but it had faded into darkness when the man had done all these horrible things to his body.

Sometimes when the man was above him, covering his body with his and his foul breath was in his face Dee had thought about Ryo. Was this what it felt like for Ryo when Dee tried to steal kisses and small touches? Did Ryo feel this humiliated and helpless? He would never do this to the beautiful man again. No one should feel so helpless especially not the person you love more than you love yourself. Dee closed his eyes and the feelings, the pain came back to him in a rush. The man should have taken his life. It would've been so much easier for all of them. He wouldn't need to stand the memories and Ryo could go on with his life without him as a chain around his feet.

When Dee dressed Ryo left the bathroom and went back to the kitchen to give him some space. He stood in the doorway and stared at the table, his mouth wide open. Bikky sat there, a grin on his young face and he seemed kind of proud. He had finished cooking for Ryo and prepared the table for dinner. "Thank you, Bikky. I didn't know you like to cook."

"Hell, Ryo!" Bikky said exaggerated and waved it off with his hand. "I hate it but it had to be done. I'm starving and as you were busy with the perv I better got our meal ready…" The boy said as Dee entered the kitchen. Ryo had never seen Dee blush but now he did. His face went a deep shade of pink to the roots of his hair and he looked down at his feet instantly.

"Oh, shut up, Bikky. It was about time you made yourself useful in the kitchen." Ryo chided him.

"You could say 'thank you', Ryo, you know?" The boy asked and pouted. His father smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Thank you, Bikky." While they ate it were only Ryo and Bikky who were talking about everyday stuff like school and homework. Dee just poked through his food and only ate a few bites before he leaned back and resumed looking at his hands. Ryo noticed but he didn't say a word. Dee would come back to him sooner or later he had seen it when the man had looked at him in the bathroom. He would take his time but things would be better in a few weeks. He refused to think that Dee would leave him for good.

After Bikky had finished his meal he turned to Dee. "In for another game, perv? " He asked and Dee nodded and got up with Bikky. Ryo washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and after he was finished he went to the living room to read a bit before going to sleep. He was damn tired. Without him noticing his eyes closed over the words in the book and he drifted off to a silent sleep. The background noise of the racing game didn't disturb him in fact it helped to lull him to sleep. When he woke up again the TV was off and Bikky wasn't with him any longer. But Dee still sat on the sofa, his legs crossed and a distant expression on his face. He was far away, Ryo could tell but his green eyes looked up when Ryo moved in his seat. It was late already, after midnight and Ryo wanted to go to bed.

"Don't you want to sleep?" Ryo asked while he yawned and stretched. Dee nodded but there was more.

"I don't want to be alone. Not a second, Ryo." His eyes still avoided to look at Ryo's and he let them dart everywhere but at his friend. "Can I sleep in your bed?" Ryo was flabbergasted. Dee had never asked before when he went to the bedroom with Ryo. It was just normal that they slept in one bed that he had never even thought about it. 'We are a couple for so long now… How could I have not noticed?' Ryo thought to himself when he got up.

"Of course you can. You never slept on the couch so why do you even ask?" It was more a rhetorical question but Dee answered nevertheless.

"'Cause I'm so… dirty. And weak. And you never felt relaxed when I was around you. Especially not when I slept next to you" Ryo got up and went over to the sofa where Dee sat. He knelt in front of the man who still tried not to look into Ryo's black eyes. Was that what he thought? Most certainly yes. Shit, this was bad. Again Ryo felt guilty for not letting Dee know how he felt. But if he would confess now it would seem like an act of pity and Dee would hate that. So he just sat on the floor and tried to reach Dee with his words.

"That is not true, Dee. I like when you're around. It makes me feel safe." Dee said nothing. Different feelings tried to get to the surface, most of them bitter feelings of rejections when Ryo had tried to get away from him. To say that he felt safe sounded like a lie after all these nights when he had slept as far away from Dee as was possible, afraid that the younger man would jump him. That was no feeling of safety. But Dee said nothing. "Come on, you look tired." Ryo said and got up with a sigh when Dee didn't say a word. He had gotten so many different signals from Ryo that he wasn't sure if he was welcome. Ryo was nice to everyone who needed help and now he thought Dee needed help.

Well, he needed it, true, but he didn't want Ryo to lie to him. Maybe he deserved no less. Silently he followed his friend to the bedroom. Even if Ryo didn't really like him in his bed he was too afraid of being alone now and so he swallowed his pride – again – and lay down on the side he always slept when he was with Ryo. He cuddled into the soft cover and rested his head on his pillow that Ryo had brought over from his own apartment. When The Japanese was in the bath Dee changed their pillows. Ryo's rich scent calmed him to no end and he would sleep much better. Ryo realized that he had changed their pillows but didn't say a word. He just smiled and lay down next to Dee. Both men fell asleep within a few seconds.

In the middle of the night Ryo woke up to small sobs and mumbled words that confused him. He sat up and looked at Dee who was shaking violently beneath his covers. "Go away. Leave me alone, please…" Ryo heard him beg and he wanted to weep. Carefully he let his hands glide into Dee's hair and slowly brushed the strands from his face, then he touched the Man's cheeks and brushed away the tears that streamed down into the pillow. Dee relaxed a bit and curled up on his side, his arms reaching for the man next to him and Ryo let himself being wrapped up in an embrace. He enjoyed Dee's tingling breath on his neck and breathed in the scent of his beautiful hair. 'He will be the same again.' Ryo thought and went back to sleep.

The next few weeks things never changed: Dee sat on the sofa, sometimes watching TV, reading or playing a video game with Bikky. When he needed to shower he asked Ryo to come with him to wash his back and he closed his eyes every time Ryo let the sponge wander over the scars. At night he cuddled up in Ryo's arms and the Japanese loved to have Dee close to him. Dee also helped him with cleaning and cooking and when Ryo had to go back to work Dee cared for the apartment and Bikky when he was on his shift. Slowly Dee came back to life, he even talked more than in the first days and his former self shone through every now and then. Ryo was so happy that he couldn't find the words.

Twice a week Dee went to see a counselor and it seemed that she was able to help him out of his misery. Ryo had met her just once when she wanted to talk to him, too. She was a nice lady with silvery hair, her face slightly wrinkled especially around her eyes which made her look mischievous. Doctor Statter was a woman you instantly wanted to tell all your secrets and obviously she was good for Dee. The one time she had talked to Ryo she wanted to know what their relationship was like because Dee used to talk about his partner very intimately. Ryo's heart screamed with joy when he heard this and without hesitation he told the psychologist everything down to his feelings for Dee: "I love him and will have him back. No matter how long it may take." Doctor Statter had nodded and smiled. She encouraged Ryo not to give up and gave some advise how he should behave towards Dee.

The most important thing that she had mentioned was that he should not treat Dee like something has happened. He should just go on like before. She was sure – just like Ryo was – that Dee was tough and that he would make it through this hard time. With Ryo's help. And you could actually Dee watch getting better.

Today Ryo came home from work late and Bikky was already in bed but Dee had prepared Dinner for Ryo and himself. They sat down in the kitchen, Ryo telling Dee about some case or the other and of course on some gossip of the station. Dee smiled and sometimes he even laughed, a heartfelt sound that made Ryo warm up on the inside. "I think I can go back to work in a few weeks." Dee said. "It gets boring just sitting around." His face went back to being serious. "But I guess than I have to go back to my apartment..." Ryo's heart stood still for what seemed like a minute. He had gotten so used to Dee around him that he felt sad when he heard those words. Dee was watching him closely and waited for an answer.

Ryo was not sure what he should say, there were so many things on his mind and he wasn't sure if he could dare to speak his mind. Dee's green intense eyes met his and there it was: this look that Dee had given him so often in the past. He wanted to look straight into Ryo's soul, he wanted to read him and let him know that he was his. Ryo decided to say the truth to his friend. "Please, don't go, Dee." He said and watched the man's reaction. Green eyes got softer and a smile came to Dee's lips. Lips that Ryo ached to kiss for weeks. They had not kissed in a long time and he missed it. He even missed Dee's bold hands touching him and sometimes he woke up at night, with Dee's body pressed against his own and noticed that his body reacted on his own. But he had ignored his need and forced himself back to sleep every time. He wasn't sure how long he could hold himself back.

Hell, normally Dee had been the horn dog but things had changed and Ryo was thrilled when he saw the mischievous hint in Dee's eyes. "You want me to move in with you?" Dee asked only a bit unsure. There was more hope in his voice than hesitation. "I never thought this would happen." He whispered more to himself. Ryo gathered all his strength and smiled when his feelings for Dee rushed through his veins. It reassured him and made him stronger.

"Let me be honest with you, Dee." He said and the other man inclined his head to the side. "I – I have thought about this so many times, Dee, I can't even say how often. We were already kind of a couple before all of this happened, right?" He waited a second and watched Dee's eyes grew larger. Before he could say a thing Ryo went on. "I was so damn afraid when you were… kidnapped and I would've died if he had killed you. But you came back and it hurt so damn much to see you suffer. I have been too afraid to tell you what I feel but I've realized that things can change so fast… I don't want to feel something like this ever again. When you were gone and I didn't know if you were dead or if you were still alive I couldn't stand the thought that you perhaps died thinking that I never returned your feelings. It made me aware of so many things, Dee." Ryo stopped and waited for a reply but all that he got were silent tears that rolled over Dee's cheeks. The man stood up in such a rush that his chair nearly fell to the floor.

"I… " He began but didn't finish his sentence and left the room. Ryo could hear him go out onto the fire escape to smoke. So he had fucked up royally. Shit. He should have known that he had done wrong everything that can be done wrong. He hadn't told Dee about his feelings before he had just given him some small gestures, not more. He had stirred Dee's hopes and taken everything his handsome partner had to give but he had never given something to him in return. And only now that Dee got hurt so badly was he able to tell the truth. He was such a weakling. He just sat in the kitchen for a few minutes and when Dee didn't come back he followed him outside. The raven haired man stood in the cold and watched the streets below.

"I wanted to hear these words for years, Ryo." Was what he said next. "You are all I ever wanted. I have never loved somebody like I love you and I guess I never will. Forgive me for running from you in such a sweet moment. I guess I just freaked out." Ryo smiled and watched Dee throw away his cigarette.

"I always thought I was the one to freak out." He said lamely to lighten up Dee's mood. "Forgive me for not telling you this earlier. It would have made things a lot easier for us."

"Us." Dee smiled. "Are we 'us'?" He wanted to know and if Ryo said 'no' he could just throw him down onto the street.

"Yes, Dee. We are 'us'. And I want you to move in with me. I cannot live without you." He let his hands rest on Dee's strong arms, it was his first gentle touch since Dee came back. He slowly caressed the skin which felt great under his fingertips. "I love you, Dee." He said and was rewarded with more tears that fell down Dee's cheeks.

"When I came back I thought I would never hear these words, because I'm not worth it. I thought you would hate me because another man...did all this to me." Dee sobbed and let the older man come closer for an embrace. He let his head rest on Ryo's shoulder and inhaled his scent. "This man took what was for you. I felt so guilty and ashamed…"

"Shhh, Dee…", this is not about the man or what he did to you. This is just about you and me." He drew soothing circles on Dee's back and pulled him back into the apartment. It was too cold to stay outside. When they stood in the dark living room Ryo looked up into Dee's eyes. "May I kiss you, honey?"

"Please…" Was all Dee could say and Ryo gently grabbed his chin to bring their faces close. He let his breath tingle Dee's lips for a second then he lowered his own for a slow and gentle kiss. He sensually sucked Dee's lower lips into his mouth and opened Dee's lips for a deeper kiss, his tongue darting out and tasting and exploring what lay beyond. The slow movements and Ryo's teasing made Dee mad and he pressed the slightly smaller man close to his body to feel every inch of Ryo he could get. Small noises of pleasure escaped both their chests and the kiss soon got a bit harder when Dee responded and returned the favor, his tongue following Ryo's into his mouth and kissing him back. When they finally came up for air Dee was overwhelmed with love and if Ryo wouldn't hold him he would just sink to the floor and melt.

"I love you, Dee." Ryo told him again and with a sudden desperate movement Dee pressed him up against the doorframe of the living room, his hips thrusting against Ryo's. The Japanese moaned and his head fell back against the door which gave Dee the opportunity to lick his neck down to his collarbone. His mouth would leave visible marks but Ryo didn't care. He belonged to Dee and wanted the world to know that! And Dee was back. He was as bold as before and his hands were all over Ryo's body but this time it was different: Ryo didn't try to run from his lover. He wanted this more than anything and let himself being let to his bedroom. Dee undid his shirt buttons and let the piece of clothing fall to the floor where it lay forgotten. The taller man guided Ryo to the bed and made him lie down, lowering himself on top of his body.

"I love you, Ryo." He whispered before kissing and caressing the beautiful man beneath him. This was all he ever wanted and it had taken so long to get it. They had been like a couple but he had never been able to touch Ryo this way because the honey haired man had refused to let him go this far. All of Dee's fears, regrets, shame and self hatred vanished when Ryo lay before him and closed his eyes with a content sigh.

Dee took his time, he worshipped Ryo with so many gentle touches that the man feared he would go insane. Ryo felt the urge to touch Dee and sat up so that he could lie above the other man and map his body with his fingertips. Deep kisses were shared and the world faded with nothing left but the skin of the other man under their fingers. Dee wanted to weep with happiness and he couldn't hold back another tear that silently slipped through his closed lids. What had happened to him when he was kidnapped had changed him but he was still madly in love with Ryo. The man had helped him to come back he had shown his affection in every word and every touch he had offered in the past weeks.

How Dee could have doubted that they loved him was beyond his understanding but he used this as an opportunity to make up for everything that had happened. Ryo felt the pain when Dee pulled him closer to his body but it was soon replaced by nothing but pleasure. This was better than anything. He had only experiences with women so far but it had never been better than now. Feeling the man he loved was more than he could take and soon he moaned with every gentle and slow thrust of Dee's hips. Both men didn't last long and in their ecstasy they clung to each other for dear life.

Dee lay on Ryo's chest and drew a senseless pattern while they both tried to regain their breath. The Japanese smiled. That was amazing. Why had he ever been afraid to let go and melt into Dee's arms. But it was too late for regrets. The raven haired man looked up after a while and looked deep into Ryo's eyes. "I'm so in love with you. Thank you for bringing me back."

"I won't ever live without you." Ryo breathed. "And if it had taken me another three years to bring you back I would have waited. But I will never let you go, Dee. Never. You're mine, now." Dee kissed him hard and possessive to underline what Ryo had just said.

"As you wish, love."

**FIN**

Oh Gods, please tell me what you think… Please review!


End file.
